[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
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I just tested negative for patience.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Order here:
More here:
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me: