[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
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Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
“Huge”.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Noah was an idiot.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Breakfast for Stoners:
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!