[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
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Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.