@bea_ker: [in ambulance]
"Can you describe the snake that bit you?"
Yes it was like an angry rope
@Cpin42: In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
@C00LpenNAME: A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don't use Web MD
@ofcourseyoudid: Bird of peace?
Bird of war?
Bird of true love?
..wait for it...
@Death_Buddy: Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
@captain_happen: Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama.... Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?