@bea_ker: [in ambulance]
"Can you describe the snake that bit you?"
Yes it was like an angry rope
@Sassafrantz: [male bank teller gives my niece a sucker]
Me: What do you say?
Niece: My aunt's single, do you have money?
Me: lol how embarrassing! Do u?
@abrianmc: I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
@NYC_Blonde: Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE'S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
@Shock_Monster: Hostess: Table for one?
Me: More like TABLE FOR FUN, AMIRITE?
Me: Yes, one please.
@RyanAndrewMitch: Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.