[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
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Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
“HELP WITH CAT”
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off