[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
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What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..