@markleggett: In America she's called "Miley" Cyrus, but in other countries she's called "What America would be like if it were a person".
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@trojansauce: [day after trying sushi for the first time] ME: *putting frozen chicken nuggets on table* WIFE: this isn't cooke- ME: it's sushi, susan
@david8hughes: [at the mall] "Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?" "Of course." [leans in to mic] "Goodbye you little shit."
@SteveSackington: I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.