Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
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Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Hilarious if literal: arms race
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it