@BackrowSeats: In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering "I don't know how you eat that shit".
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@trumpetcake: People always complain that I'm "out there." [On the phone. To the cops. While I'm sitting in their birdbath.]
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?! 4-year-old: 2-year-old: 4-year-old: 2-year-old: 4-year-old: The dog.
@sofarrsogud: ZOO BOSS: You're fired! ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife? BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.