Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
You Might Also Like
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.