In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
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Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora