@AndrewChamings: In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
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@briancthayer: [house hunting] Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding* GOT ONE! Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword* GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
@est1975blog: I never knew my son was 80 years old until he told me to text our neighbor because "his leaves are getting on our lawn."
@notacroc: ME: we can do this GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can't clear the bridge ME: *mashes 'im feeling lucky' button*