In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
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Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
constantly working on myself.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.