*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
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I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”