In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
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doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?