Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
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Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
oppen heimer style lol
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.