No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
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Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet