In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
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Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
If I ignore life will it go away?
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.