In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
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Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!