In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
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Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?