Canadian owl: Eh?
You Might Also Like
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
my nickname in college
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
eggs benadryl
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
My blood type is b hungry.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.