[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
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grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Don’t snitch tag.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.