[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
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Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Haha good job!!
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again