Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
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[plot twist] ur buried vertically
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
I put the mess in domestic.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”