@therealeatwood: In bed I’m like the Energizer Bunny: no one’s thought about me since 1997
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@amselts: GIRL: l'm tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change. ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
@rolldiggity: CASHIER: "Did you find everything you were looking for?" ME: "Oh, yes..." [places "How To Murder A Cashier" book on counter]
@PerfectPending: Husband: I'm going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax. Me: sounds awesome! H: Will you get them ready for me?
@DominicStraw: Your password doesn't remember you either. He moved on. He's someone else's password now.