Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
You Might Also Like
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein