[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
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Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
#CoronaOutbreak
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.