[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
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It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Venn
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Meow?
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.