[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
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[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.