[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
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If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
For the ones in the back.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE