@asimplesean: I approach. "Girl are you a couch? Cuz I'm gonna try & fail to pick you up." She laughs. "I'm Jen." My training hasn't prepared me for this.

@ChipKellysBalls: House is a mess ... Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial

@suzieQ0007: Co-worker: What's the difference between astronomy & astrology? Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.

@secondofhername: Friend: I'm about to appear in court. Me: Best of luck! Kill it!! Friend:...not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.

@Sickayduh: [Titanic] Steward: Lifeboats are assigned by your star sign. Aries, this boat. Virgo, that boat- "What about Leo?" Steward: No. Leo dies.