Mike Tyson’s apartment building
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Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!