[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
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One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
had to share :’)
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”