[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
You Might Also Like
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.