[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
You Might Also Like
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Got him!
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.