[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
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We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Natural selection at its finest
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack