[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
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me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
…żyje?
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
(True)
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.