5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
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[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Meme Monday.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
White parent Vs Arab parents
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.