[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
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I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat