[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
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I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
accurate
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.