[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
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Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
can’t talk my ride’s here
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon