Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
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U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend