GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
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HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.