In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
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Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Best spot.. 😅
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children