No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
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when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.