I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
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[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
All is fair in drunk and war.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*