In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
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There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
My sex drive has a dui
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?