In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
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Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends