@MattMcC1: in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
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@joshandbeyond: Dad: There's no use crying over spilled milk son. Me: But dad it was tequila! Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
@calluptome: Everyone complains about the weather but noone's sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
@XplodingUnicorn: How to meet a girl: 1) Walk into a bar. 2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.” 3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.