in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
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so weird how every mom was born today
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
yall want some gasoline milk
how much does a mortician urn in a year
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now