@MattMcC1: in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
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@nbadag: THERAPIST: you're running from something. what do u think it might be? [goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion] ME: uh—failure
@PhuckinCody: [i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] "can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he's here again."
@zachreinert03: My ex claimed I had a 'hero' complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice