in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
You Might Also Like
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
These are my roll models.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.