In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
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Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.