[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
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OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
I love twitter
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
thanksgiving in nutshell
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas