[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
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Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.