@mellimelle: In case anyone asks, we found these dead hookers while we were digging holes in the woods.
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@Reverend_Scott: [first date] HER: So, I hear you're a dog person- ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
@AristotlesNZ: Boss: You're late! You shoulda been here two hours ago! Me: Why? What happened two hours ago?
@thestlouisan: A young cephalopod breaks from the school. Swimming mightily, he strives to avoid becoming calamari. He has [looks at camera] squid goals.
@brianbowman73: How to cow tip: First, sneak up behind the cow. Next, get into a wide stance. Finally, slip the money into it's bell.