Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
You Might Also Like
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
#Caturday
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Had to try this trend 😊
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed